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This Meme.
I don't expect participation but this is on the off-chance there are questions. Warning For Those Who May Ask: I will most likely be terrible at this meme because I have a hard time making my brain cooperate with giving out information that I want to keep secret. As such, I may or may not answer them properly if I plan to use the topic of your asking against you or someone else at some point in the future. |
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what he explained to other ppl ICly has been gayer
PART 1 BECAUSE I HAVEN'T WRITTEN THE REPLY TO THE SECOND QUESTION YET.
But his insistence in his ideals not changing is an honest reply other than his claim of troll romance being superior. He isn't sure about what he wants out of relationships in general because he's still trying to confine them within the quadrants despite saying he wasn't going to engage in any quadrant-like relationships outside of the moirallegiance he'd already established -- and this is difficult for him because as much as he likes to over-complicate relationships with the quadrant system, what he genuinely wants is more in line with everything monogamous humans want out of their relationships. No matter how many people he ends up liking, once he's in a relationship, he's not the sort of troll who would be okay with pursuing other romantic interests regardless of the quadrant.
He wouldn't want a kismesissitude with a different person (I have my doubts he'd even want one in general -- except with himself, since he's the only one he hates -- more than he just enjoys being terrible, rough, occasionally mean, and derives pleasure out of superficial bickering and fighting). If he didn't already have a moirail, he wouldn't want a moirallegiance. (He is intensely jealous of Vriska but would never try to stop her from her clusterfuck attempt at moirallegiance with John because trying to stop things from happening with Terezi and Vriska in the past didn't work out; Karkat himself already has a moirail; Karkat himself wouldn't even be a good moirail for John; he wouldn't want to tell John not to do anything since he feels like that would be controlling and has already learned trying to control things just ruins them; and he would want John to make decisions for himself since if he tried to control things in the first place that would cheapen the relationship.)
He also wouldn't want to auspisticize between John and anyone else because that would imply he was keeping a blackrom relationship from happening between John and someone else -- and he doesn't want anyone else being a third wheel in their relationship. He is too possessive (he doesn't act on it), too paranoid, too insecure, and too 1,000 other problems to be okay with it.
In short: he has always wanted the same person in every quadrant and doesn't know how to reconcile that because he was raised with a quadrant system. He feels alien and weird in his own skin with regards to actually enacting troll romance, but enjoys the nuances of it in troll media and loves to discuss it.
Essentially, the quadrants are nothing but a hobby he's interested in when dealing with them as they relate to everyone else, but wouldn't want them himself. It leads to a lot of complicated and weird feelings because he has no idea how to handle because he thinks he's abnormal, fucked up, and even more of a mutant than everyone originally thought.
SERIOUSLY, A TROLL WHO ISN'T OK WITH HAVING MORE THAN ONE PERSON IN THEIR QUADRANTS?? HOW WEIRD IS THAT. REALLY WEIRD. REALLY, REALLY WEIRD.
PART 2 I REFUSE TO PROOFREAD THIS SO I'M SURE THERE ARE A TON OF ERRORS + IT'S REDUNDANT
His views on other relationships have changed as he's acquired more friends and talked to more people. When he played SGRUB, he came to value his troll friends. When he cooperated with the human kids, he abandoned the idea that their universe should have been a plaything for their obviously superior and awesome gods (aka trolls). When a handful of humans were the quickest to accept him and spend the most time around him before his other friends arrived (Victor, Nathan, Souji), he's become much quicker to open up and acknowledge people as sentient beings with feelings and emotions because they were so quick to accept him. He doesn't realize he's doing this. It's a subconscious thing.
He still doesn't have much care for the opinions of strangers, but he gives more consideration to nameless groups of people overall instead of just looking at it as "How much of a shit do I give when this is literally none of my concern and has nothing to do with me." That said, he still does ignore a lot of things that aren't his business because he doesn't feel like getting involved -- but the fact that changed at all exists, so there it is. The end point is he isn't nearly as self-centered as he was when he first arrived even if he is prone to fits of selfishness.
Friendship has always been important to him, but as time goes by in New Moore, it becomes more important because there is no room for advancement here. There are no intergalactic fleets. There are no Threshecutioner ideals, which is another thing that bothers him: knowing what he knows now about what that job entails and the ruthless subjugation of other planets -- including myriad species probably not unlike the humans, whom he genuinely likes -- he feels like he was dangerously close to being able to be someone he'd now regret being. He feels like he could have gone on and murdered other sentient races mindlessly had he not learned to value the things he's learned to value. Whether he actually could have is another thing entirely, but he feels like he could have and that's all that's important. It's not a good thought for someone absorbed in guilt to retain and hold onto, using as evidence for why they're a horrible person. (Yet he sees nothing wrong with Meenah appointing him her Threshecutioner. Meenah actually seems to care about people to some degree though, so that's different? Probably? Also there's no harm in admitting Her Imperious Condescension is pretty cool. No matter how you look at it, she's a hell of a lady. Maybe not a good one, but still the type that can make you look and go "Daaamn, she could murder me with like no effort whatsoever. Also she's kinda hot and really terrifying.")
His ideals about leadership and himself as a person have changed the most. It's hard to comment on his feelings about leadership without dragging him into it because his feelings about himself are so tightly wound around his failures as a leader.
While during the game and even post-session he considered himself a fairly great leader (at least capable of doing some things right), he doesn't consider himself one anymore. He doesn't even think what he did was good anymore. With news that he stepped down from leadership and handed it over to Rose and Dave in the alpha timeline, he chewed himself apart until he nailed the final nail in the corpse box of his views on his leadership skills.
A lot has happened in New Moore that has worn him down and driven home the point (to him) that he was never cut out to do the job. He's insecure and as a consequence deals in comparisons, thinking people like Souji and John are true leaders. He thinks people like himself couldn't lead their way out of a room with one door. He feels like even though the session he lead was a success, he still failed each of his teammates and he continues to do so with every subsequent fuck-up he makes. He remembers his impatience with the genesis frog and hearing from Roxy about the world she had to endure, found a way to blame himself and his actions for the scratch. If he hadn't created a weak universe in the first place, it wouldn't have produced such a failure of a session. John wouldn't have had to scratch. If he hadn't had to scratch, then that version of the human earth never would have had to be destroyed.
Karkat can find anything negative and lead it back to himself and his poor decisions as a leader without noticing there's a sort of arrogance in assigning all that blame to himself, as if because he can't think of himself positively he's desperately trying to make himself relevant and more important than he actually is in a negative way.
He spent a long time desperately wishing for his friends' respect and now that he has it, thinks it's undeserved and knows he's a coward because he wouldn't be able to handle it if they revoked it. At the same time, he couldn't even protect them and actively made choices that resulted in their deaths and/or hurt them.
As a leader, no matter how awful he thinks he is at it, he resolved to never run from Gamzee again because he decided he'd rather face death himself than be responsible for more of his friends dying again -- but he even lies to himself with that. He doesn't actually think Gamzee would ever kill him in New Moore. He knows the chance is there, but he doesn't think it's going to happen for some reason.
His interest as a leader has gone from trying to get everyone to respect him to making sure everyone gets the chances they never got to get because their lives were cut short. He wants them all to live and to be happy and grow as people. Everyone he cares about staying alive has become his top priority to the point of obsession. He wears himself down.
And he hates himself because there's a part of him that's happy and doesn't hate himself, because he's convinced he doesn't deserve that. Why shouldn't he hate himself? Why does he deserve how good he has it right now? Why did John start to like him? He doesn't get it, but he's afraid to ask.
(Cat fact: he did later, after being murdered horribly as the Signless by Eridan as Dualscar the first time it happened, develop a handful of symptoms of PTSD and occasionally does relive the panic of being chased by Gamzee; his failures to prevent his friends' deaths; not paying enough attention to stop Eridan from killing Feferi and Kanaya; the dismembered bodies; etc., etc., etc., which has lead to his dumb brain shutting down whenever confronted with similar circumstances, such as everyone trying to kill each other and failing at killing each other, leading him to not considering the circumstances but thinking about the final outcome and flippantly blowing it all off like "Oh yeah, that, no big deal, sure yep I'm not going to think about that and I'm not going to process it at all I completely refuse to process it. SURE IS GREAT THAT YOU GUYS ARE ALIVE. WHY ARE YOU UPSET ABOUT THIS AGAIN? I MEAN YOU DIDN'T DIE. YOU DIDN'T DIE AND THAT'S GREAT. LET'S FOCUS ON THE PART WHERE YOU DIDN'T DIE! GOD, I'M SO GLAD YOU DIDN'T DIE.")
Basically, his views on leadership and all the stuff tangled up in it have become a lot worse. He thinks he's thoroughly disgusting and that everyone would be better off without him because he isn't a good person: he's a weak coward who doesn't deserve anything he's got. At this point the only thing he's good for is working to keep everyone else alive. He feels it's something he owes to them so they can have the lives his lack of leadership robbed them from having.
He really isn't in a good mental place in TF, which I find hilarious because he's also relatively happy and able to have meaningful relationships without being consumed by his depression. The way he disconnects and doesn't see his feelings about himself as a problem (because he thinks it's fact) is ridiculous.
Basically, he's especially a mess with everything connected to leadership. (If people compliment him on his leadership skills, he tries to ignore or otherwise avoid it, whereas he used to eat them up because he's desperate for approval.)
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jjfsjkdfsdlllllllllllllllllllll;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;p
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CONSIDERING NOTHING IS WRONG WITH ME
AND THERE'S NO REASON TO EVER ACKNOWLEDGE ANY OF THIS ANYWAY
SO WE CAN MOVE ON NOW.
I literally double-facepalmed
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DON'T ACT LIKE I ACTUALLY WANT TO SEE THAT SHIT.
IT'S BAD ENOUGH YOU'RE THE WAY YOU ARE NOW
YOU DON'T NEED TO GET ANY WORSE
SO JUST IGNORE IT AND PRETEND IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.
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I HATE EVERYTHING.
THAT'S PERFECT.
NOW DON'T TALK TO ME AGAIN ABOUT ANYTHING THAT EVEN SLIGHTLY RESEMBLES A TOPIC THAT NEITHER OF US WERE PREVIOUSLY TALKING ABOUT.
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how about just to be safe we never discuss anything ever again
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IT'S NOT "BIG" IN "SIZE"
AND ESPECIALLY SINCE I'M NOT TELLING YOU SHIT.
OR ANYONE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER SINCE IT'S NOBODY'S GOD DAMN BUSINESS.
I KNOW EVERYONE USUALLY GETS ALL IN MY BUSINESS BUT THIS IS DIFFERENT.
THE DIFFERENCE BEING THIS ONLY PERTAINS TO ME.
THERE'S NO ONE ELSE TO START SPREADING IT AROUND
AND IT'S NOT GOING TO START SPRAYING OUT OF ME IF ANYONE COMES UP AND GIVES ME A STAB TO SAY "HELLO!"
SO IT'S A NON ISSUE.
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which could lead a dude to accidentally think these things are up for discussion
are these things up for discussion karkat
i didnt think so
so shut your seedflap before more words come out of it that sound like blah blah blah blah blah